Inanity Incorporated: Animal cruelty has never been so entertaining!

I may have missed my thursday entry, but I'll make up for it with a ridiculously hilarious topic.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

The Lobster Zone

That's right. Somewhere between entertainment and blatant abuse of animal rights lies that mysterious zone known only as "The Lobster Zone".

No joke. It's a crane game where you try and catch live lobsters, some with MONEY strapped to their claws. It's so cruel that it passes the point of being disgusting and becomes just plain hilarious.

Here's the site if you don't believe me. I didn't, at first.

How it works, is that basically these machines are crane games with temperature-controlled fish tanks jammed into them. The claw goes down and, like with any crane game, attempts to snag a lobster, which is promptly lifted up, kicking and screaming and dropped down a chute. The winner then takes his/her prize to the kitchen (as most of these machines are in restaurants) and watches with pride in his/her eyes as their trophy is boiled alive.

Now that's good eatin'.

Apparently these machines are enormously profitable, racking in over $1000 per week, according to this article in the Augusta Chronicle. I was going to make some crack about "of course this sort of crap flies in the SOUTH" but...

That's right. I forgot about Maine. The Kentucky of the Northeast.

From the Augusta Chronicle:
"The Lobster Zone plays the theme from the movie ``Jaws'' whenever the game is activated and it doesn't take long for the lobsters to get spooked by the music.
``After a while, the lobsters learn what that music means,'' Hammerman said. ``Their antennas go up, and they try to get away from the claw.''"

Translation: After a while, the lobsters become so terrified of the booming music and the giant hard, sharp object that attempts to chew on them that they huddle in a corner and fear for their little crustacean lives.

Apparently, the best time to get the lobsters is when a fresh batch is dropped in. That way, they don't see the clammy aluminum hand of death coming.

So how have the green-backed tree-huggers responded to this? With the usual disgust that drives them to pester council members who really couldn't care less.

From theFreepublic.com article:
"Lobsters aren't stuffed animals," said William Rivas-Rivas, spokesman for PETA, whose Web site lauds actress Drew Barrymore for her desire to release all lobsters from holding tanks. "Their pain and fear are real."
(Side note: Nice subtle jab at PETA, Mr. Author)

PETA, of course, you'll remember from such public relations masterpieces as this:

Meaning their opinion on what's cruel and demeaning means about as much as a pedophile's at a PTA meeting.

Soapbox time
Now. I disagree with the spokespeople for the game claiming that the cute little things "do not process pain". I think we understand next to bupkiss about what causes and stops pain in the human nervous system and probably just as close to bupkiss about what causes pain in the crustacean nervous system. It's reasonable to assume the things do not enjoy dying and, in fact, prefer to avoid it.

HOWEVER. In Freepublic article:

"Boomers owner Jimmy Watson said the lobsters in the tank are better off than their captured cousins that await their final bath of boiling water in a cardboard box stacked in a walk-in refrigerator."

Jimmy makes a good point. I mean, this is no more cruel than stacking them on top of one another in a narrow little Shop-Rite tank. At least they get a little more breathing room...if that matters to an animal a short evolutionary jump away from a cockroach.

In conclusion, killing animals for food is inherently cruel. Why not make it hilarious?