Peanut Butter and HOAX?!

Hello again.

Don't get used to this, I'm not going to be posting everyday.

We'll see.

Don't get your hopes up, invisible readers who absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, exist. You know you're out there....somewhere...

Anyway. Today's quandary comes from a site called The PB&J Campaign.

According to this cultist, uber-green website, eating PB&J is the perfect way to save the world and prevent all atrocities ever. Skippy wants you to give peace a chance. With a name like Smuckers, it has to be about saving the world.

THE TRUTH IS that Smuckers is a vicious family dynasty that has monopolized the peanut butter AND jelly industry since 1897, when King James Monroe Smucker terrorized the countryside with his apple butter sold at exorbitant prices out of mecha-horse-drawn carts with gatling guns mounted on each side. Also, they're all Communists.

I may be exaggerating about the gatling guns and mecha-horses. And the Communism.

HOWEVER. Smuckers has been making a fortune off of those disgusting Uncrustables, which go under the patent name of Sealed Crustless Sandwiches. Not so appetizing now, is it, kiddies?

And how about the nutrition facts. What's in the peanut butter? Peanuts, dextrose (a sugar), monoglycerides from palm oil (which happens to be a vegetable oil with the third highest saturated fat content) and salt.

I know I like my peanut butter with extra dextrose.

And Smuckers isn't the only criminal here! Let's try Skippy, which ConsumerSearch claims is the top rated peanut butter, har de har har.

Again! Sugar and hydrogenated vegetable oil! What has this world come to!

Natural peanut butter tends to be just flat out peanuts in, what else, PEANUT oil, which has much less saturated fat than PALM oil. (Although, admittedly, skippy uses cottonseed and soybean oil, which has less fat than peanut oil but, gosh darnnit, peanut oil is just TASTY!)

Now. Where was I...oh yeah!

So. According to this shadowy PB&J Campaign, by eating PB&J for lunch, you save resources spent on raising and slaughtering animals to make delicious delicious meats that are almost never processed with sugar, salt and water to make the Oscar Meyer lunchmeat we know, love and are getting chronic high cholesterol from. (I'm not going to cite that, it's off-topic, so there)

Oh, sure, save a few ugly little grass-chewers. AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR OWN HEALTH!

Let's do a little comparison!

The PB&J Communist Sandwich Du Jour versus the homely American classic, the Ham Sandwich. I'm excluding bread because let's just assume that these reds can deal with using wholesome all-american enriched, processed Wonderbread.

Average PB&J sandwich (Made from a chimeric coupling of the two collossi of the PB&J empire, Smuckers and Skippy)
2 tbsp of Smuckers Grape Jelly + 2 tbsp of Skippy Creamy Peanut butter =
27g of sugar, 290 calories, 16g of fat, 3g of saturated fat, and only 7g of protein!

Average American Ham Sandwich (Made with Oscar Meyer and Kraft AMERICAN cheese, like the good lord intended! Also, discounting lettuce and tomato, because anyone who questions the nutritional value of lettuce and tomato is probably too fat to pay attention to.)
Two servings of ham (120g) + 1 serving of cheese (21g)=
1g of sugar, 90 calories, 7g fat, 22g of protein!

So, sure, go chow down on a PB&J sandwich if you want to DIE by the age of 30 from coronary heart disease. But before that, the lack of protein will leave your muscles weak to fight off the impending Communist invasion. And while you're working slave labor churning apple butter all day long, you'll wonder why you ever forsook the taste of juicy, delicious animal fresh, made from All-American animals, willingly sacrificing their lives for your lunch.

Remember, every bite of PB&J is a victory for Mao.

Disclaimer:
I feel I should mention that I adore PB&J. It's simple to make and as impossible to outgrow as Nickelodeon Guts. Replacing the J with banana creates a sandwich that makes life worth living. I also DESPISE Oscar Meyer and think that American Cheese is an adequate example of why I hate most things with the word "American" attached to it.

I also like Communists. A little.

With that...(I'm sure you were all waiting for this)...it's peanut butter jelly time.


Sources:
Wikipedia and various dietary sites
http://www.calorie-count.com/
http://www.smuckers.com/ (They're right. It is good.)
http://itotd.com/articles/642/the-pb&j-campaign/ (This gave me the idea for today)

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