This blog is a natural disaster.

Guess what else is?

This:



Sorry. That was wrong. There's nothing natural about Michael Jackson.

This, however:


Today we talk about something that has done more damage to the Midwest than the Dustbowl and George W. Bush COMBINED:

TORNADOES!

The Tornado: Know Your Enemy
I hear you saying, "But Rick, Sun Tzu always said the more you know about the enemy, the more likely you are to win in battle against them. How can I come to know enough about tornadoes to ride my cavalry into it and chase it from my farmland?"

Well, I'm here to help the struggling 1400s Chinese aristocracy.

A tornado is defined by the Glossary of Meteorology as:

"A violently rotating column of air, in contact with the ground, either pendant from a cumuliform cloud or underneath a cumuliform cloud, and often (but not always) visible as a funnel cloud."

Cumuliform is a fancy way of saying a cloud that develops on a vertical axis. Cumulus clouds are the big puffy clouds that tower over you and sometimes rain ice and deadly vortexes down on our puny mortal lives.

They form from a class of thunderstorm called Supercell.


These terrifying storms are the most dangerous. They can last for hours and include hail, torrential rain and, of course, our friends, the tornado.

The central feature of the supercell is the rotation of the winds within it, called the mesocyclone. Wind hits the top of the cloud, starting movement within the cloud, while an updraft tilts the spinning wind into a vertical axis, causing the formation of the mesocyclone. This mesocyclone is the source of the tornado.

Rain drags air down with it towards the back of the supercell, creating something called the Rear Flank Downdraft. It accelerates as it approaches the ground and drags the mesocyclone within the supercell down with it. With enough moist, warm air, the mesocyclone forms a funnel that develops into a tornado. Eventually, the downdraft cuts off the air supply for the tornado and the tornado disappates.

And blah blah blah. Let's go the way of Fox News and stop concentrating on education and facts and start talking about the GOOD STUFF.

WHEN NATURE ATTACKS!!!!!

World's Deadliest Tornado: Bangladesh, 1989
On April 26th, 1989, the people of Saturia and Manikgank sadar were calmly going about their Bangladeshian lives, doing their Bangladeshian things, praying to their pagan Bangladeshian Gods. Unfortunately, Mother Nature must have been on her period that day, because she rained down total bitch upon the simple Bangladeshians.

A tornado decended, reportedly 1 mile long, decimating the two towns and killing an estimated 1300 people. That number was eventually tuned down to at least 600 confirmed

Where it matters: Deadliest US Tornado
On March 18, 1925, the people of Missouri, Illinois and Indiana were calmly going about their noble American lives, worshipping their proper Christian Gods...when all of a sudden, an enormous tornado, probably planned by the Huns, came crashing down upon their strong American backs.

There is some controversy (there is so little in meteorology...let them have this one) over whether or not it was actually one tornado or a family of tornados spawning from one supercell, but that's got nothing to do with death toll.

According to the Tornado Project (which certainly knows why people come to a site called tornado project), the tornado touched down in Missouri with more limited destruction, destroying mining towns and killing a few farmers. Then, growing bold, it mosied into Illinois, destroying the town of Gorham and killing almost three hundred in Murphysboro. The tornado powered on to Indiana, destroying small towns and erradicating half of Princeton (which, if Princeton,NJ is any gauge, probably deserved it).

Death toll: 695 confirmed
Damage: $16,500,000 (Note, that for five dollars in 1925, you could buy your own farm, send three kids to college and retire young. This may be an exaggeration.)

Final Note
I hope you learned something today.

I learned that Tornados are pretty dangerous.

Then again. 4,000 troops have died in Iraq. 1,527 people died in 9/11. And something in the realm of one million civilians have died throughout the Iraq engagement.

So. I learned Mother Nature is a huge bitch. But we're bitchier.

USA! USA! USA!

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Inanity Inc. Goes to War

The deep bass of drumbeats, the flawless unison of armored footfalls, the war bells of rattling armor, this is the background music to the life of a REAL man. Real men stab things and burn things and rip out their own spleen and eat it for the sake of glory.

THAT'S a real man.

So all sarcasm aside, I decided that today's entry will be a belated tribute to the fifth anniversary of the Iraq Not-quite-so-war-because-Congress-never-had-to-declare-war-so-the-president-can-do-fuck-all-thank-you-very-much-Founding-Fathers. Congratulations, guys! Not only did you pull the wool over America's eyes, but you managed to staple that wool to American faces. It's a good thing we all love Britney Spears too much to pay attention to the real world, because otherwise you guys would be going out much the way Hussein did.

So. Today. We talk about famous tacticians in history. Why? Because God knows there ain't a tactician (political or military) among the inbred clowns hailing to the chief inbred clown.

Without further ado:

The Greatest Tacticians In History (according to me)

Alexander the Great

If he has "the Great" in his name, you know he has to be...well...pretty good.

Alexander was born to King Phillip II of Macedon and his wife Olympias. King Phillip apparently had a dream before Alexander's birth that he sealed his wife's vajay-jay with the seal of a lion. Apparently that meant Alexander would be born with the character of a lion. I just think it was a weird sex dream.

Alexander's most famous tutor was Aristotle, a man famous for metaphysics, science, politics and telling everyone to be nice. Aristotle apparently gave Alexander a copy of the Illiad which Alexander kept as his prized possession, sleeping with it and a dagger under his pillow. That way, he could either stab an attacker or bludgeon them with 200 pounds of book.

Alexander served under his father and accomplished himself in battle by defeating an elite hoplite army of Thebes. Soon after, Phillip was assassinated, with some suspicion being cast on Alexander. Not enough, apparently. Alexander assumed the throne of Macedon at the age of 20.

Greek states like Thebes and Athens thought this would be the best time to regain their independence, with a noob king on the throne. They didn't factor in the "the Great" part into their plans. Alexander showed up at the gate of Thebes, which quickly surrendered. Later, Thebes would rebel again and Alexander would raze the city to the ground, enslaving its citizens and eating its babies.

Having established himself the firm leader of Macedonia, Alexander was free to move on to Persia and India, slaughtering and conquering (they sort of go hand in hand) as he would. Something that earned him a lot of dislike amongst his fellow officers was the fact that he adopted a number of Persian customs as well as a few Persian consorts. Alexander had a respect for other cultures that sort of was at odds with his destruction of most of them.

Now. On to the good stuff. Tactics. Phillip, Alexander's father, was the first to make a 100% professional army, while most other armies were composed of mercenaries and civilians. This way, he had a fully trained and loyal army. He also pioneered a number of tactical innovations like the Macedonian phalanx, which used long, two-handed spears and shoulder-mounted shields to create sort of a wall of death advancing, unstoppable, into the enemy.

Alexander's contribution was the heavy use of heavy cavalry to charge at the flank of the enemy, sapping morale and creating a panic amongst units not yet engaged in battle. Alexander's tactics included a good amount of this morale-sapping, using unexpected and sudden tactical moves that would cause confusion in his enemy.

Sun Tzu...the not quite as great

I want that beard.

Sun Tzu is actually not the guy's name. It is an honorific that was given to a man named Sūn Wǔ, who wrote The Art of War. I'll refer to him as Sun Tzu, because I hate having to copypaste the other name repeatedly.

There isn't quite as much known about Sun Tzu. The only biography of him describes him as a landless aristocrat, accomplishing himself by hiring himself out as a sort of military consultant. He apparently trained a battalion of females lead by the close concubines of King Helü, under which Sun Tzu served. At first, they would laugh at his orders and disobey them. Then he killed a few of their leaders. And then they listened. That's a tactician.

He is best known for writing a treatise originally called Sun Tzu. But it came to be known as the big book of war, or The Art of War. The book is STILL famous. It is said that Mao Zedong and Stalin both carried his book around. And with rave reviews by big names like that, it has to be good.

The Art of War has had a great influence on tactics. It stresses the importance of all aspects of war, of supplies, information, economic preparation, planning and fire. Its major theme is stressing the importance of adaptability. Being able to react effectively in a variety of situations and turning any conditions under which a military leader finds themself to their advantage. More practically, it speaks about positioning. Positioning in relation to both environment and enemy. It is positioning that formed the core of Alexander's victory and adaptability that pushed him through.

For more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Art_of_War
For a sort of Cliff Notes edition: http://suntzusaid.com/


End

Ah, for the good old days, where men were men, women were women and all other cultures were to be squelched beneath the giant greaved foot of military oppression.

It's a good thing we don't have any of that now.

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Animal cruelty has never been so entertaining!

I may have missed my thursday entry, but I'll make up for it with a ridiculously hilarious topic.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

The Lobster Zone



That's right. Somewhere between entertainment and blatant abuse of animal rights lies that mysterious zone known only as "The Lobster Zone".

No joke. It's a crane game where you try and catch live lobsters, some with MONEY strapped to their claws. It's so cruel that it passes the point of being disgusting and becomes just plain hilarious.

Here's the site if you don't believe me. I didn't, at first.

How it works, is that basically these machines are crane games with temperature-controlled fish tanks jammed into them. The claw goes down and, like with any crane game, attempts to snag a lobster, which is promptly lifted up, kicking and screaming and dropped down a chute. The winner then takes his/her prize to the kitchen (as most of these machines are in restaurants) and watches with pride in his/her eyes as their trophy is boiled alive.

Now that's good eatin'.

Apparently these machines are enormously profitable, racking in over $1000 per week, according to this article in the Augusta Chronicle. I was going to make some crack about "of course this sort of crap flies in the SOUTH" but...



That's right. I forgot about Maine. The Kentucky of the Northeast.

From the Augusta Chronicle:
"The Lobster Zone plays the theme from the movie ``Jaws'' whenever the game is activated and it doesn't take long for the lobsters to get spooked by the music.
``After a while, the lobsters learn what that music means,'' Hammerman said. ``Their antennas go up, and they try to get away from the claw.''"

Translation: After a while, the lobsters become so terrified of the booming music and the giant hard, sharp object that attempts to chew on them that they huddle in a corner and fear for their little crustacean lives.

Apparently, the best time to get the lobsters is when a fresh batch is dropped in. That way, they don't see the clammy aluminum hand of death coming.

So how have the green-backed tree-huggers responded to this? With the usual disgust that drives them to pester council members who really couldn't care less.

From theFreepublic.com article:
"Lobsters aren't stuffed animals," said William Rivas-Rivas, spokesman for PETA, whose Web site lauds actress Drew Barrymore for her desire to release all lobsters from holding tanks. "Their pain and fear are real."
(Side note: Nice subtle jab at PETA, Mr. Author)

PETA, of course, you'll remember from such public relations masterpieces as this:



Meaning their opinion on what's cruel and demeaning means about as much as a pedophile's at a PTA meeting.

Soapbox time
Now. I disagree with the spokespeople for the game claiming that the cute little things "do not process pain". I think we understand next to bupkiss about what causes and stops pain in the human nervous system and probably just as close to bupkiss about what causes pain in the crustacean nervous system. It's reasonable to assume the things do not enjoy dying and, in fact, prefer to avoid it.

HOWEVER. In Freepublic article:

"Boomers owner Jimmy Watson said the lobsters in the tank are better off than their captured cousins that await their final bath of boiling water in a cardboard box stacked in a walk-in refrigerator."

Jimmy makes a good point. I mean, this is no more cruel than stacking them on top of one another in a narrow little Shop-Rite tank. At least they get a little more breathing room...if that matters to an animal a short evolutionary jump away from a cockroach.

In conclusion, killing animals for food is inherently cruel. Why not make it hilarious?

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Fun fact: These machines were invented by J.R. Fishman.

I feel that with a name like that, his possibilities in life were somewhat limited.

Axes for hands and laser beams for eyes

Hello again.

I had a hard time coming up with today's topic. I thought about trucks, I thought about the history of chainsaws and I thought about Sony's insipid little "dogs" (I use the term loosely, because the only thing they have in common is four legs and ears. Dogs tend not to beep and tend to actually make you feel bad when you torture them.) called the AIBO.

Then I realized...what about a combination of all three?

That's right. Today's topic is giant fighting robots.

I know what you're thinking. "There's no such thing! This is ridiculous! How absurd! You call yourself a depot of useless knowledge! Pfah!"

Sure. They don't have them HERE. But in Japan...



Sure, it may just be...rescuing, there. But throw a chainsaw or two on there and you having a killing machine!

History of the Giant Fighting...Automaton

It's probably easiest to trace the robot back to ancient Greek automatons. The only existing evidence we have of one is the Antikythera mechanism:




Neat, huh? Basically, it's a navigational tool. It was comprised of gears that turned as you entered a date, giving the position of the sun and moon and all that good old fashion navigational stuff.

Automaton basically means something that moves by its own will. This includes clockwork toys, which are mentioned in stories and drawn in pictures throughout time.

Automata VS. Robots: WHO WILL WIN!?

It's venn diagram time. All robots are automata. But not all automata are robots. Automata, like a cuckoo clock, have very simple functions that do not "sense" a changing environment. The bird's gonna pop out if it's on the wall or being dropped out of a plane, it doesn't matter. A robot is defined as something with apparent agency, which means it has goal-based actions.

For example: In 2000, Honda Motor Company, going along with its reputation for turning to mechanical gold whatever it touches, came out with the ASIMO. This cute little thing is capable of recognizing moving objects, faces, gestures and responding to them appropriately. If someone offers their hand for it to shake, it will move to shake it. Goal-based. Get it? A cuckoo clock barely recognizes even the most familiar faces and deigns never to shake your hand.

The History of the Giant Fighting Robot (GFR)

The GFR's ancestors, and I'm sure someone with way too many Gundam figurines can correct me on this, trace back to 1926 with the film Metropolis. In it, there is a female robot character named "Maria", which is both human and robot at the same time, what incredible 1920s acting.

Fast-forward to the 1939 World's Fair. The World's Fair, if I may take a moment to go on a meaningless tangent, seems to have been the headquarters for everything cool in the world, ever. Now they've transformed into something called World Expo, which you never hear apricot one about. Or, at least, I don't. And reality is subjective. For those of you who are interested, the next Expo is in Spain this year. I wonder if they'll have innovations in taco-making technology.

(Yes. I am aware tacos are Mexican. Leave me alone.)

1939 World's Fair. A robot called Elektro is unveiled. It was a giant, ugly hunk of aluminum that looked like this:



It could talk, move its legs and arms and smoke cigarettes. Basically, it was everything a man in the 40s could hope to be.

From here, robot technology could only advance. And what other way to advance an industry than by making it cartoony and fun.

The Giant Fighting Television Robot (GFTVR)

Astro Boy. An atomic-powered super-robot-boy, flying around saving the world with his heart of gold. Or...decayed human flesh. Either way. It started as a manga (or comic book, for you non-japanophiles out there) in 1952 and was remade into an animated series in 1980 under the name Shin Tetsuwan Atom

Astro Boy was basically the predecessor to 90% of Japanese animated series. Meaning that 90% of Japanese anime involves some sort of giant fighting robot. I won't cite that. It's an exaggeration but, as any anime fan will openly admit, it's not too far off the mark.

All that's missing is the giant. If only there were some sort animated show that involved a giant robot. Perhaps even with a name that indicates its size relative to everything else. Oh, where could I find such a thing?



Bam.

Gigantor is the American version of an anime called Tetsujin 28-go. Tetsu means metal in Japanese. Jin means person. Basically: Iron Man.

This was followed up in 1979 by Mobile Suit Gundam, which is not only still making millions on merchandising, but has a Wikipedia entry as long as, oh, say, God.

From there, Macross...Evangelion...and almost every anime afterwards.

(Not-So) Giant Fighting Robots (NSGFR)

So how about real life? Do we have giant fighting robots yet? Will they be able to beat back Godzilla? Are they piloted by nubile young boys with rippling muscles and daddy issues?

What we DO have is this. The Foster-Miller TALON robot, which is a cute little thing on tank treads with a gun and a camera on it.


The face of real fighting robots.

These little darlings have been deployed since 2000 and are currently being used (sparingly) in Iraq. They cost an incredible 60,000 in a standard form. Luckily, we have a never-ending war budget, so we can sink a few million into making one of these all it can be. Nevermind the fact that our lesser, fleshy soldiers don't have sufficient armor. Now we have fancy toys.

So. Do you feel like you learned a lot? I know I do.

Oh yeah.

I forgot Transformers.

Oh well.

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Additional source:
http://cdecas.free.fr/robots/history.php">http://cdecas.free.fr/robots/history.php - A very good source for useless super robot information

TGIF

So I went home yesterday thinking I had gotten everything I wanted done done. I so pleased with myself.

Then, it struck me.

I HADN'T UPDATED THE BLOG!

Oh, heaven forfend. You, my invisible audience, had to do without!

Never fear, nonexistent readers. I will admit as a mistake what I can write off as entirely intentional.

The reason I missed my update Thursday was because I was waiting for it to be Friday so that I could get into the state of mind necessary to write this, the blog post to end all blog posts...well...for the weekend.

Today's quandary is the mythical, magical, wonderful FRIDAY.

Thank Gods it's Friday

The word friday comes from, as most things do, gods. It comes from the word Frige, which is not a kitchen appliance mispelled, but instead the Old English form of Frigg, the wife of the Norse god Odin. She was a huge Norse goddess, responsible for love, household, fertility and making sandwiches. Basically, by Nordic standards, the perfect wife. Where, in modern times, she'd be the enemy of feminists and be seeing a psychiatrist for the regulation of boredom-induced mood disorders. We've come a long way.

The word also traces its origins to another goddess, Freyja, who was another huge chick-god in Norse mythology. I should clarify, by huge, I don't mean fat. They were Germanic, but they weren't fat...they probably just had rippling biceps. Either way, she was another goddess of fertility, as is anything with a vagina in myth. (For you mythology geeks don't get your knickers in a twist about me saying that. If you are currently yelling at the computer "What about Artemis, you smug bastard!?", then I will refer you to this. Athena, too.)

In addition, Freyja was a goddess of battle. All sarcasm aside, I really enjoy this about mythology, that gods can be in charge of love and joy as well as stabbing one another in the throat. There's something human about that.

Anyway, in romance languages, the word Friday comes from the Latin "dies Veneris", which means the "day of Venus". In Spanish, Friday is viernes, venerdi in Italian, and so on.

By the way, in case you're wondering, the reason the English "Friday" sounds nothing like "dies Veneris" is because English is a Germanic language, so we're up there with the Freyja-ers and the Frigg-ers.

The origin of the short weekend

The seven day week traces back all the way, as most things do, to Sumeria.

The planetary week (which is outlined very well by this site originated in Hellenistic Greece and based the name of each day on the visible planets (and one star). It went like this:

1st Day - Sunday: Sun
2nd Day - Monday: Moon
3rd Day - Tuesday: Mars
4th Day - Wednesday: Mercury
5th Day - Thursday: Jupiter
6th Day - Friday: Venus (Yay!)
7th Day - Saturday: Saturn

The Jewish and Christian justify their short weekends with God's laziness. He created the universe in six days and on the seventh day, he sat around, ate Doritos watched Simpsons reruns.

With the spread of Christianity like some sort of holy STI, the seven-day week became standard over...a lot of places. Though I should make the point that the names of the days stayed the same, based off not only planets, but also the names of Roman Gods. And also the point that these names were completely altered in the Germanic cultures, hence why we don't call it TGIV. People give too much credit to the spread of Christianity. It didn't conquer. It was just like "Okay...you can keep your culture...so long as this guy Jesus is plastered all over them."

Christianity was, and still is, plastic Jesus fish on Hummers.

Friday the 13th: How Freddy got Founded

When is Friday not joyous? When it happens to fall on the 13th.

Apparently, on this day, $800 to $900 million dollars is estimated to be lost in the US due to people not wanting to travel or do things, for fear of bad luck. Even more, apparently people have panic attacks or a sense of impending doom or being chopped up by pedophiles with finger-claws.

There's even a convoluted name for this: Paraskevidekatriaphobia. Some doctor wrote a book about it that I'm sure will get about as many readers as my blog.

Where did this come from? I'm glad you asked, because National Geographic answered you for me.

In Norse mythology (here we go again), the 13th guest at a feast in Valhalla was Loki. Loki is like the guy who adds your event on facebook and then fills a thermos with beer from your keg. And then pisses on your face. But somehow, those silly Aesir can't get enough of him.

Loki arranges for one god to shoot another god, which kind of casts a pall over the party.

Guess who was also a 13th supper guest?

That's right. Judas. Or should I say...JEWdas.

As for poor Friday, well, it just happens to be the day that Jesus died, supposedly the day that Eve tempted Adam with her tasty apples and possibly the day that Cain killed Abel and was doomed to walk the earth as a goth kid and be responsible for this.

Question answered.

And there you have it. Everything you didn't need to know about Friday and some things you...no. Just everything you didn't need to know.

So thank you, Friday. If it weren't for you...we'd all love Thursdays.

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This post is a lie.

Today's subject is the fragile flower that is lies. What is it? Why do we tell them? How do we tell them better? How do we not get caught for them? How can I commit tax fraud with a clear conscience and criminal record?

One of those questions I will not answer today. You'll have to read on to find out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Wiktionary defines a lie as:

1. An intentionally false statement; a falsehood.
2. A statement intended to deceive, even if literally true; a half-truth

Well. Question answered.

What's that? Too broad, you say? I did not answer the questions I promised to, you claim?

How do you feel about that? Betrayed? Do you feel as though I offered you an intentionally false statement? Perhaps, that I uttered a falsehood? Maybe even made a statement intended to deceive?

Well, congratulations. Now you know what it feels like to be lied to. I just had to make sure my audience (You're out there somewhere...) was aware that things like this go on in the outside world. So rarely are we exposed to the cruel realities of life gathered, as we are, around the nuturing flame of our LCD screens.

Now brace yourself. I'm about to dive deep into the cesspool of sin that is...

THE LIE

The history of the lie is very interesting. The first lies came with the creation of Man, because animals, to the best of my knowledge, rarely lie.

The first lies came from Adam and Eve, whispering sweet nothings to one another.

A: (lie) Oh, darling, I love you, I have been waiting for you all my brief life.
(truth) It beats screwing sheep.
E: (lie) Adam, my sweet, I am the happiest I could be with you.
(truth) If God's so great, he could have endowed you a little better.

Then came the Fall, when Eve ate the apple and doomed us all to toil and suffering on a beautiful, exciting planet:
God: Eve, did you eat the apple?
Eve: (lie) No.
(truth) Yes.
God: (lie) You should have known better than to lie!
(truth) I shouldn't have given you speech.
(lie) I guess this could not have been avoided.
(truth) I should have made it the Large Boulder of Knowledge...

Then a long time passed. Then came a man named Augustine of Hippo. The man was hungry, hungry for truth. In 395 AD, as a part of his text "Retractions", he wrote a section entitled "On Lying". Here he outlined the types of lies told by man in order of severity:

1. Lies in religious teaching.
2. Lies that harm others and help no one.
3. Lies that harm others and help someone.
4. Lies told for the pleasure of lying.
5. Lies told to "please others in smooth discourse."
6. Lies that harm no one and that help someone.
7. Lies that harm no one and that save someone's life.
8. Lies that harm no one and that save someone's "purity."

He also wrote, "Setting aside, therefore, jokes, which have never been accounted lies, seeing they bear with them in the tone of voice, and in the very mood of the joker a most evident indication that he means no deceit..."

So lies told in jest are a-okay. Now I don't feel so bad about that Garden of Eden thing.

Wikipedia offers a number of different kinds of lies. I will only list a few here, supplemented by sources of knowledge that are a bit more credible than "Cuddlyable3".

Charles V. Ford's Psychology of Deceit gives us a good listing of types of lies. I'm going to focus on the ones that are the most fun.

Benign and salutary lies: These basically go along with "white lies", in that they are sort of obligated lies. For the sake of not offending someone or something, you'll lie your little fibbing pants off. Something along the lines of "Oh, I'd love to goto your party, but I have homework," or "Oh, I'd love to go out with you tonight, but I have homework," or, "Oh, I'd love to read that new blog post you put up, but I have homework."

Defensive lies: These are lies that get you or someone else out of trouble. Everyone's done these, fess up. No one judges on the internet, unless you're reading a blog. Or a forum. Or anything written by another human being.

Example:

"We've been a remarkably stable administration, and I think that's good for the country..."
- George W. Bush (Source)

Malicious lies: My favorite. Lies for personal gain. Why tell the truth and get punished, when you can lie and get rewarded? Makes sense to me.

Example:

"In the Battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed."
- George W. Bush (Source)

You may have noticed a theme to the examples, with the exception of white lies. Problem with that is I couldn't find any white lies Bush told. I think there might be a political statement in there somewhere.

BUT NO! We're not talking about politics. We're talking about lies. The two are entirely separate.

The Psychology of Lying
In developmental psychology, it is believed that the reason young children create outrageous lies is because they haven't yet achieved what is called "Machiavellian Intelligence".

Niccolò Machiavelli was a hilarious guy. He wrote a treatise entitled "The Prince" that idealized this image of the ruler of a country as a "ends justifies the means" God. Basically, a ruler could lie, cheat, steal, kill, torture, engage in endless wars against abstract concepts, so long as they were protecting the country's virtues and stability...which seems a tinge contradictory.

But Machiavellian intelligence, or social intelligence, is basically the ability to function politically in a group. This includes being able to lie, cheat and steal not out of sheer maliciousness, but with the intent of protecting one's interests. Armed with this intelligence, the fresh-faced youngster becomes a brutal lying machine, capable of churning out deceptions tailored to be believable in the view of others, not just themselves.

Now, I could go research a bunch of piddling bullshit about "what makes us lie" "who lies" and all that other new-agey psychology mumbo-jumbo. But instead, I'd like you to take a moment to bash your head against the wall repeatedly. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...Finished? Good. Pat yourself on the back. Right there, you did less damage to your brain than would have been done reading stuff like this or this.

The psychology I CAN talk about is confabulation. This what happens when we confuse our imagination with reality. It's sort of what happens when our brain's tactics for incorporating new elements into our memory without completely reconstructing our view of the world mess up. Our brains simply adore patterns, and will go to great lengths to find some.

An example of this is in an experiment by Frederic Charles Barlett in which he read a Native American myth to a group of students and asked them to recite it at various times afterwards. He found that the reproductions tended to include additional elements to make the myth more consistent. We're just naturally anti-bullshit.

Confabulators will make up elaborate stories, sometimes entire new lives for themselves, moment by moment. It's not exactly lying, as they're just honestly confused. But it is pretty damn interesting.

So why do people lie?

For tons of reasons. As a joke, as a way out, to get some reward, to protect other lies, to hurt someone else, to help someone else, to hurt themselves, to help themselves.

If you need sources for that, just take a step outside.

How do you lie better?

Don't get caught.

How do you avoid getting caught?

Write a blog no one reads :)

'Till next time!

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