Inanity Incorporated: Axes for hands and laser beams for eyes

Hello again.

I had a hard time coming up with today's topic. I thought about trucks, I thought about the history of chainsaws and I thought about Sony's insipid little "dogs" (I use the term loosely, because the only thing they have in common is four legs and ears. Dogs tend not to beep and tend to actually make you feel bad when you torture them.) called the AIBO.

Then I realized...what about a combination of all three?

That's right. Today's topic is giant fighting robots.

I know what you're thinking. "There's no such thing! This is ridiculous! How absurd! You call yourself a depot of useless knowledge! Pfah!"

Sure. They don't have them HERE. But in Japan...

Sure, it may just be...rescuing, there. But throw a chainsaw or two on there and you having a killing machine!

History of the Giant Fighting...Automaton

It's probably easiest to trace the robot back to ancient Greek automatons. The only existing evidence we have of one is the Antikythera mechanism:

Neat, huh? Basically, it's a navigational tool. It was comprised of gears that turned as you entered a date, giving the position of the sun and moon and all that good old fashion navigational stuff.

Automaton basically means something that moves by its own will. This includes clockwork toys, which are mentioned in stories and drawn in pictures throughout time.

Automata VS. Robots: WHO WILL WIN!?

It's venn diagram time. All robots are automata. But not all automata are robots. Automata, like a cuckoo clock, have very simple functions that do not "sense" a changing environment. The bird's gonna pop out if it's on the wall or being dropped out of a plane, it doesn't matter. A robot is defined as something with apparent agency, which means it has goal-based actions.

For example: In 2000, Honda Motor Company, going along with its reputation for turning to mechanical gold whatever it touches, came out with the ASIMO. This cute little thing is capable of recognizing moving objects, faces, gestures and responding to them appropriately. If someone offers their hand for it to shake, it will move to shake it. Goal-based. Get it? A cuckoo clock barely recognizes even the most familiar faces and deigns never to shake your hand.

The History of the Giant Fighting Robot (GFR)

The GFR's ancestors, and I'm sure someone with way too many Gundam figurines can correct me on this, trace back to 1926 with the film Metropolis. In it, there is a female robot character named "Maria", which is both human and robot at the same time, what incredible 1920s acting.

Fast-forward to the 1939 World's Fair. The World's Fair, if I may take a moment to go on a meaningless tangent, seems to have been the headquarters for everything cool in the world, ever. Now they've transformed into something called World Expo, which you never hear apricot one about. Or, at least, I don't. And reality is subjective. For those of you who are interested, the next Expo is in Spain this year. I wonder if they'll have innovations in taco-making technology.

(Yes. I am aware tacos are Mexican. Leave me alone.)

1939 World's Fair. A robot called Elektro is unveiled. It was a giant, ugly hunk of aluminum that looked like this:

It could talk, move its legs and arms and smoke cigarettes. Basically, it was everything a man in the 40s could hope to be.

From here, robot technology could only advance. And what other way to advance an industry than by making it cartoony and fun.

The Giant Fighting Television Robot (GFTVR)

Astro Boy. An atomic-powered super-robot-boy, flying around saving the world with his heart of gold. Or...decayed human flesh. Either way. It started as a manga (or comic book, for you non-japanophiles out there) in 1952 and was remade into an animated series in 1980 under the name Shin Tetsuwan Atom

Astro Boy was basically the predecessor to 90% of Japanese animated series. Meaning that 90% of Japanese anime involves some sort of giant fighting robot. I won't cite that. It's an exaggeration but, as any anime fan will openly admit, it's not too far off the mark.

All that's missing is the giant. If only there were some sort animated show that involved a giant robot. Perhaps even with a name that indicates its size relative to everything else. Oh, where could I find such a thing?

Bam.

Gigantor is the American version of an anime called Tetsujin 28-go. Tetsu means metal in Japanese. Jin means person. Basically: Iron Man.

This was followed up in 1979 by Mobile Suit Gundam, which is not only still making millions on merchandising, but has a Wikipedia entry as long as, oh, say, God.

From there, Macross...Evangelion...and almost every anime afterwards.

(Not-So) Giant Fighting Robots (NSGFR)

So how about real life? Do we have giant fighting robots yet? Will they be able to beat back Godzilla? Are they piloted by nubile young boys with rippling muscles and daddy issues?

What we DO have is this. The Foster-Miller TALON robot, which is a cute little thing on tank treads with a gun and a camera on it.

The face of real fighting robots.

These little darlings have been deployed since 2000 and are currently being used (sparingly) in Iraq. They cost an incredible 60,000 in a standard form. Luckily, we have a never-ending war budget, so we can sink a few million into making one of these all it can be. Nevermind the fact that our lesser, fleshy soldiers don't have sufficient armor. Now we have fancy toys.

So. Do you feel like you learned a lot? I know I do.

Oh yeah.

I forgot Transformers.

Oh well.

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