Narcissism + surfing = Narcissurfing - An activity in which you benefit yourself and only yourself
Bimbo + distraction = Britney Spears - An unremarkable human being who has more followers than JESUS
Grape + Apple = Grapple - A horrific chimera that is at once both a grape...AND AN APPLE.
It's fun making up words. The funny thing is, all of the above words describe real things.
That's right. Humanity has accomplished the impossible. When Johnny Appleseed was committing acts of bioterrorism, when Mendel watered his bean plants and dreamt of all the sex he was NOT having...none of them could have imagined that their advancements would lead mankind into a new world. A world where the impossible becomes possible. Where something as American as the pie based upon it (along with high fructose corn syrup, dextrose and enriched, bleached flour) and something as...I dunno...French as the wine distilled from its juice...where these two staples would be fused into something so much more...
The Grāpple®
The mad geniuses at C&O Nursery would like you believe that they're simple folk. Growing their apple trees, making good, wholesome apples, like the good lord intended.
BUT HERE'S THE REAL SCOOP!
Look at those comments! From someone who calls himself "greenerpastures". Most likely a member of the Green party. We all know what the Green Party's really after. Communism. Equal opportunity for all races and cultures. That's isn't right. That is NOT America.
So these commies, showing no respect for the creations of a loving God, decided to make a move. Using C&O Nursery as their headquarters, they launched an offensive on something that has DEFINED America. (even though the largest collection of apple cultivars happens to be here, in England)
The sweet, innocent apple. They have violated the sanctity of its supple red flesh with the bulbous, lusty pulp of the Concord grape.
Through use of elaborate genetic engineering techniques, the mad cyborg scientists of the C&O Gulag managed to give birth to the demon chimera that cannot exist in this reality. It is both apple and grape, while being definitively NEITHER! The epitome of man's hubris, the Fruit of Babel, if you will! It's horrible! It's a monster! It's...
Wait a minute.
They're not genetically engineered?
They just dunk apples in grape juice and charge some absurd price?
Brilliant. I can just imagine what went on inside the nursery:
Guy1: Hey. We're not selling enough apples locally. How can we charge full price for low-quality, already old apples?
Guy2: Um. Maybe we can dip 'em in something. Like caramel.
Guy1: Nah, then they'd be getting what they pay for. What about dipping them in juice?
Guy2: But that's stupid. No one will buy that.
Guy1: What if we say stuff like "we're fighting against child obesity".
Guy2: Brilliant. I'll go buy some juice.
Guy1: Make sure you water it down!
Honestly. This woman has it spot-on. She e-mails these people, asking for ingredients and they just respond by saying that there's no additional calories or sugar.
You know what that means? That means that THE GRAPE JUICE ADDS NOTHING. So basically, you are paying for an apple that smells like a grape. It's perfect for a person who hates the smell of apples, but just adores the taste. Those poor olfactory-challenged people. It's a good thing they're marketed to that small group and not featured on any national TV station....
Oh crap. Damn you Food Network.
Incidently, Food Network, G4 and grape juice have something in common.
G4 has boobs.
Food Network has Alton Brown.
Grape juice is a delicious drink.
They each have one, and ONLY one, worthwhile use.
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